Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
