I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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