im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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