Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i came on her dog
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
