I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she told me i tasted like america
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
