Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
