you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
