I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
