oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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