I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
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We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
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Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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