My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
