I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
