Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
FUCK WHALES
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
