NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
