Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
