I hate your face
Nicole vs. Life
I wish you could order shots online.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
