when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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