your parents love me but you hate me
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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