Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
