I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
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i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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