just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
