I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
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I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
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If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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