I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
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this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
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Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...