I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
