Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
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went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
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So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking