Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
