I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
