there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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