No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.