i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
