benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
