i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
