I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
