Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
