Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
