He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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