My underwear smells like fireworks.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
