I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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