i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
