I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
