Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
