Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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