My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
3 2 1 whiskey
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
