I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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