is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
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Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
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I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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