if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
