I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
