morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
