??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
