people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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