It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
