She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
