don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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