Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
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