I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
